Perplexed...

Disclaimer: Bare with me...this post might seem a little far out there and hard to follow!

Yesterday afternoon I went to a friend's house to go swimming and although I spent a lot of my time enjoying the warm sun and good company, I also spent my time thinking. As I was leaning over my raft, I stared into the bottom of the pool, noticing the rays of the sun hitting the bottom and forming lines that went every which way and found that no two were the same. I thought about how that related to God and our connection to him...we are all in this big pool and the lines represent each one of us...all connected yet some may never touch others and no two are the same. We are each ultimately connected and ultimately make up the pool (which is God).
This might seem a little far out there, but it made me think of my life in relation to others. My life isn't like anyone else's, nor my experiences, heart ache or joy. Although it might seem similar (like the lines in the pool/other people's experiences) no two are exactly alike. To spread out from this thought, I then asked my friend what her biggest fear is, to which she responded "her husband dying." I began to think that although my friend and I are quite similar...we are different...I don't have a husband and although that someday will be one of my biggest fears (like her's)...its not right now. Immediately my response when I answered my own question was "I'm afraid I'm never going to get married."
Now, I know this probably seems stupid, but it is. Parents sometimes think that their kids should come with a manual?...Well, I think you should have a manual for how to deal with being in your 20's and NOT married, dating or engaged. I don't know if this is society as a whole or Panama City's way of living, but either way...its hard to deal with. I have to keep telling myself that marriage doesn't finally make me a somebody, it doesn't give me anymore worth than someone that is and that ultimately I can be happy with or without someone (of course I'd prefer it with someone). I have to understand that my life (like the lines) is different from everyone else's. I want to make something of myself...I want to be content with being who I am (whether that's alone or not)....I want to change. I ultimately want to be with someone who loves me and that I love in return just as much...but know that that's not what God has planned for me right now...and that's really hard to grasp. I don't want to settle, I don't want to wish my life turned out different...I want to take advantage of the here and now and realize that I am SOMEBODY!...somebody that aligns with other lines to form this beautiful reflection of who God is and what he can do!
Now some of you may read this and think "poor Megan, I wish she had someone," or "don't be stupid...marriage doesn't make you someone," or "its just not right for you...someone will come along," and although this may seem a little harsh...I'm tired of all the reasons of why I don't have someone, the comments and the attempted "set ups." Call me crazy but after about 3 years of hearing the "why aren't you dating someone?...what's wrong with you?...you'll never find someone who can put up with you (true comment made to me and probably one of the most hurtful)....or just the...its not your time yet," I'm over the comments. Half the people that make those comments are ones that got married at a young age or are just insensitive enough to make such hurtful comments...don't people realize that although they seem like JUST comments, they're hurtful and spill into my head as..."they're right...what is wrong w/ me?" All that to say...I am SOMEBODY...and I realize my above comments might have seemed a little negative as far as my view towards people, but its hurt that I've experienced just through comments. I ultimately know that God does have a wonderful plan for me...one that's far greater than I could ever imagine and that right now..I just need to stop holding in the love that I could be sharing with others! I know there is more heart ache and experiences to come (just like everyone else) but am looking forward to spreading and receiving even more joy that only Jesus has given me!

My To-Do's for the summer!

I know most people have fall/spring cleaning (and times in between) where they clean things out, start fresh, etc...or it might even be New Years when they feel the need to make things new, improve upon some things or just re-organize. For me, its usually in the summer, once the exhaustion from the spring has died down and just before the excitement of fall comes. A friend of mine and I always make lists of things we want to accomplish, need to accomplish, etc. SO...upon my list was a variety of things...some of which needed to be done, some of which I wanted to do and some of which I felt I should do. Here's my example: clean out/organize my closet, compliment people more (I often think the compliments but don't ever speak them...what good does that do?), be a better friend, keep my word, clean out my refrigerator, try harder to think before I speak, set a budget and stick to it, etc. I guess I would consider myself as one of those people that is always trying to better themselves...although it doesn't always work and I slip up or just get lazy, I always have goals for myself. I read another friend's blog recently who had just got done organizing a room in her house and I loved the words she put..."every time I see it, my insides jump up and down." That's how I feel right about now...my house is completely organized, clean, etc and I feel as though I'm starting to accomplish the other things on my list as well (complimenting, trying to be a better friend, etc). As of right now and this time in my life...my insides are jumping up and down...getting ready to graduate in 10 months, the excitement/stress of looking for a "big girl job" and all that is in between! What's on your list?!