Warning!!! This post is going to be all over the place. So…since there’s only about 3 of you that read this…I figure I can be pretty honest. The past 6 months have been a rollercoaster for me emotionally, but more recently the past month. I’ve questioned God a LOT lately…been downright honest with him about how I’m unhappy with the way things are going for me right now…and just been mad at life in general. However, I do realize I’m blessed beyond measure, there are still areas in my life I’m not happy with. Last night I went to our men’s softball game and as I was walking back to my car…it suddenly grew quite around me and I just gazed up at the stars and thought…God…how come this person I care so much about only looks out for what they want…they don’t consider me? How come I constantly put myself out there…yet get nothing in return? I’m always there for them…have always loved them and yet…its not appreciated or may not even be noticed. WHY GOD?!?! WHY?!? It was while walking back to my car that I began to cry and just pray. After a minute or so of that, I continued home and didn’t really think much more of it until it was time to go to bed. Recently I haven’t been sleeping well and its been taking me anywhere from 30 minutes to 3 HOURS to fall asleep b/c I can’t shut my mind off thinking about this person. Well, last night as I was lying in bed and just praying and crying I became aware of something. All those questions I had asked God earlier in the night are the SAME questions God probably asks about me. “Megan…I’ve always loved you…why aren’t you seeking my will and my kingdom? Megan…I’ve always considered you, yet you chose when to consider me. Megan, I’ve always put myself out there, always cared for you, yet you pick when it’s convenient for you.” I suddenly realized…I’ve been selfish, I’ve been judgmental, I’ve been lacking in showing God how much I love him and I’ve only cared about what God’s going to do in my life…not what I can do in my life FOR God. Yet God loves me anyways and always will. Gosh…I just began to cry even more, ask for forgiveness and just pray “God…I’m so sorry…here I am getting mad at someone else…yet all along you’ve been questioning where I’ve been too, yet I’m about to give up on this person b/c they aren’t caring or reciprocating my love and you CONTINUE to love me for who I am…whether I reciprocate my love to you or not!!! Your mercy is so great and so powerful…God you are always patient with us and are always faithful…even when we are faithless. Thank you God for your never-ending love! All this to say what an amazing God we serve!!! Today is a new day, a new start and a new opportunity to show God how much I love him!
Wow; that wasn't all over the map; that was focused. Very insightful. Amazing how our God-given intellect and the Holy Spirit provide these Eureka moments when we're receptive. Wow.
ReplyDeleteI am convicted. I, as many people, consider self first, then consider people around me second, then consider God. And I sure don't love Him or my neighbors enough.
Thank God for being lovingly patient with us!